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GOD THE COMPUTER PROGRAMMER

Many important theological questions are answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer:

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it’s tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars.
On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles has ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren’t programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don’t let anyone put you down.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don’t make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.

Contributed by Madhumita Sen

Posted under Articles from Jobnet Magazine

Corporate Economics

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.

You retire on the income.

INFOSYS ECONOMICS

You have 2 cows

You put both of them on the bench

And hire another to do the job.

TCS ECONOMICS

You have 2 cows

You tell them that only one will go to onsite.

You ask both of them to fight for the only H1B Visa.

Both of them die after fighting.

HCL ECONOMICS

You have 2 cows

You milk them only for 24 hours on just 7 days a week.

They run away.

CTS Economics

You have 2 cows

You train them for two months on how to milk themselves. Then u ask them to pull bullock carts.

SATYAM ECONOMICS

You have 2 cows.

One is intelligent one is dumb.

You send the dumb cow to onsite making the intelligent cow frustated.

Intelligent cow resigns out of frustration and dumb cow is laid off by the client

WIPRO ECONOMICS

You have 2 cows

You hire one bull

You start milking the bull and Start ploughing the field with the cows…..Applying Thought

PATNI ECONOMICS

You have 2 cows

You dont hire any bull and ask them to multiply themselves

IBM ECONOMICS

You have one cow you feed it well

But you try to get all those stuff ie not just milk but also butter, cream, curd and rasmalai in one shot

MICROSOFT ECONOMICS

You have a very popular fat cow the cow has a very thin leg it eats a lot but when it comes to milking the cow crashes down

NIIT ECONOMICS

You lure a group of cows how to be milked – one among them gets milked

The rest end up teaching another group of cows how to get milked

HP ECONOMICS

You have one cow you feed it well but you try to INVENT new things out of it. Not only milk but hot coffee, fruit juice and all other things you can think of !!!!!

Contributed by Madhumita Sen

Posted under Articles from Jobnet Magazine

Who’s The Boss?

Anil Mahajan

The mantra for growth in any organization remains the same. It simply is- “Yes Boss!”

Learned management gurus in Kellog institute, USA or elsewhere camouflage it with a very suave name — “Mentoring”. Mario Puzo called it “The Godfather”.

Shakespeare rightly said “A rose by any other name remains as sweet”.What Will meant was, don’t get carried away and fooled by names. There is no perceptible difference between Goonda and Bhai. Being forced to give money to politicians is called political corruption (by the masses) and Lobbying (by the politicians). The person who collects fund for political parties is more a Dilli ka Dalal, but they call him “Fund raiser”. The girls on GB Road in Delhi or Sonagashi in Kolkata or Bhindi bazar in Mumbai are called Sluts, but masseurs or escorts when they ply their trade in 5 star hotels (and advertise in the national dailies).

In fact, the dailies (a) Release ads for escort services (selling sex on the sly) (b) publish news on the raids the police conduct and arrest the prostitutes after reading these same ads. Hoo buy! Talk about having your cake and eating it too!

Enough digression. Lets return to Yes Boss. An Increasing number of Professionals are getting their resume development outsourced. They go for resume blasters too. They have started going for interview skill classes for acing the interviews. I don’t know if they respond to the ads for escorts in the daily newspapers.

Today, all activities are professionally outsourced except the technique for sticking on in the organization. The market says management grads are very ambitious and are looking always for a change. The observation is correct, but what’s the underlying sentiment?

Let’s take Harish — from a top biz school, working now. No doubt, ambitious and talented. Looking for sufficient space in the organization to work independently and grow.

Harish’s first problem is — WHO’s THE BOSS?

Situation #1. Harish has an immediate boss who likes Harish. Still Harish is not moving upwards in the organization.

Situation #2. Harish’s immediate boss doesn’t like Harish and Harish is getting promoted.

Both the situations are possible. The Million dollar (Rupee) mantra is something they don’t teach you in business schools. When I passed out of IIFT my father gave me a one line mantra for success- Beta, simply find out WHO’s THE BOSS? as activity number ONE and YES BOSS! as activity number TWO, otherwise your days will be numbered in any organization you work.

More in detail. The official head of the Indian state is The President of India. Practically, simply a figurehead. Whether Gyani Jail Singh or Missile Man Kalam, they have been sitting on Powerless Chairs since independence. The actual boss all these years has been The Prime Minister of the country. Therefore it pays to have Prime Minister as a Mentor and say Yes Boss to him. Ambika Soni, Ghulam Nabi Azad et al, all got established and promoted only because they all knew who’s the boss.

Try to figure out correctly as to who is your actual boss. This boss is not necessarily the one a single level or two levels or even three levels above you in the positional hierarchy — he could even from even a different department. He calls the shots. He’s the BOSS.

Another angle that needs to be dealt with is change (Read Future Shock by Toffler). Yesterday’s actual boss may not be todays’ actual boss. Simply try to identify — Who’s the Boss Today?

Even a NOBODY can become SOMEBODY, provided you can play your cards well. You should be a loyalist & you should be 100% Non-controversial. When Lodha, a humble Auditor can get the entire MP Birla empire willed to him, why can’t you become top honcho in any corporation if you meticulously follow certain unwritten rules of the game? Who said that talent alone is responsible to make you the top man (The capacity to understand and implement the range of visionary skills coupled with a whole lot of Yes Boss skills need a rare kind of talent as these skills are not taught in top business schools- we call those with these skills Street Smart Guys). The choice is clear- be a street smart kid and grab the moon or else work hard like a donkey & bray when you don’t get anything.

This activity of identifying the REAL BOSS really needs lots of observation power as well as analytical skills. Keeping this BOSS in good humor without trampling the foot of your positional / hierarchal or figurehead boss needs a totally new and innovative kind of clandestine skill. These skill-sets coupled with keen observation powers can ultimately make Harish the Managing Director of even Hindustan Lever. If you lack these skills, you have no present and no future in any organisation notwithstanding your talent (bragged about often by your dad and even by your spouse or your subordinates).

Unfortunately these skills are not taught in Harvard or in Stanford or IIMs nor they find a mention in the books by stalwarts like Kotler & Stanton. An IIT-K and an IIM-A is simply not enough.

…..”Kautilaya” nee Anil Mahajan will come out with “Yes Boss!” in the next issue. Figure out the Real Boss in your company in the meantime.

By Anil Mahajan, MBA PGDIT (IIFT)

He has made pioneering contributions in the field of Resume Writing and Resume Management.

Courtesy Jobnet Magazine issue 107

Republication or dissemination of the contents of this article are expressly prohibited without the written consent of the Author

Posted under Articles from Jobnet Magazine

BEING LIKED is a good formula for success

The importance of being liked cannot be underestimated. This single factor is what tilts the balance in a persons favour. In the work place, it is the deciding factor for interviews and promotions.

Being liked involves liking people. It is a reciprocal action – reaction system. Liking people and treating them properly is a ticket to success. But it has to be genuine. A fake, artificial attitude is easily detected – we all possess a sixth sense that can differentiate between a put on and a genuine attitude.

All successful people specialize in being likable. The way we treat people is important. To begin with, we must accept the fact that people are different – they have different clothes, religion, nationality, habits, lifestyles, attitudes, etc. Even if we disagree or disapprove we still need not dislike them as people. Trying to change people or convert them to your thinking or telling them that they are wrong because they are different from you, is a good way to earn the dislike of others.

Ex President Lyndon Johnson of the U.S.A. developed a conscious programme for being likable. Here is his 10 point formula for success, quoted directly-

*Learn to remember names. Inefficiency indicates that you are not sufficiently interested in that person.

*Be a comfortable person so that there is no strain that others feel when they are in your company.

*Acquire the quality of a relaxed personality so that small things do not ruffle you.

*Don’t be egoistical. Guard against the impression that you know it all.

*Cultivate the quality of being interesting so people will get something of value from their association with you.

*Study the prickly and defensive elements of you personality.

*Learn to forgive misunderstandings. Don’t hoard your grievances.

*Never miss an opportunity to congratulate anyone’s achievement, or express sympathy.

*Give moral strength to people, and you will earn their affections.

*Practice liking people, until you learn to do so ‘genuinely’.

In life, the people factor is enormously important. We all try to cultivate people we need, or who may prove useful in some way. But the effective way is to allow other people into your life, without an assessment of their contributing value.

It calls for a certain attitude. Taking initiative is important. How often does one smile at a stranger in the queue or in a crowded bus? Or walk up to someone at a party and introduce ourselves? Most of us have a fear hidden deep inside us that the other person will not react favorably. Taking initiative involves a risk of rejection. But it is a large world, and most other people are like us -they tend to react favorably to a warm smile.

Initiating conversation is only a step. What is important is how conversation is handled. People like interaction, so don’t be a ‘conversation grabber’. Listening, (which does not mean switching off mentally while the other person is talking), not only develops friendships but also helps to gather information.

Companies get successful because they listen -to customer complaints, competitors, salesmen, vendors, etc. also, in an interview, effective communication skills are judged by how well a person listens. Even a witty, chatty, person, if he happens to be a conversation hog is rarely liked by customers and clients. He would come across as lacking the capability of fostering teamwork with colleagues.

In the workplace, being dictator is never a winning proposition. People have to willingly work towards a goal. Succeeding involves invoking efficiency and interest in people.

Our only control over others is being likable. Cultivating an honest respect for individuality and a genuine friendliness toward people is important.

Apart from personal happiness, to be surrounded by friendship and goodwill contributes to a richer quality of personal and professional life.

Copyright Jobnet Magazine 2011

Posted under Articles from Jobnet Magazine

One of the most important personal qualities you should have in order to successfully do your tasks and face the world is self-confidence.

So if you are one of the many who finds himself trapped on personal fear and inefficiency, then you must build your self-confidence at once. The question, however, is: “How should I do that?”

Mehar Bhagat

These are tips on how to build your self-confidence effectively.

-Overcoming self-consciousness.

The opposite of self-confidence is self-conscious. And this is where you should start. But how will you know if you are self-conscious?

You are self-conscious if you feel anxious on things ahead of you. Sometimes fear goes along with anxiety. The trick is trying not to focus too much on what is coming ahead. (Fearing what is not yet happening is commonly called intellectual fear). Fighting against this would mean trying to divert your attention from things that make you anxious or fearful. Step your thoughts away from those ideas. Releasing the self-consciousness may take a while but once you know the technique, you will overcome it pretty fast. If you are uncomfortable when too many people are around, you don’t have any choice but to face your discomfort. Remember that in a fight, you can never win if you will not face your enemy. This time, your enemy is your discomfort when there are too many people around, so try to find ways on how to deal with this. You can consider integrating with them. You can also ask a friend to introduce you to other people if you are on a party perhaps. Find out information about other people before you approach them so that you will come prepared. Make some contacts so that you can expand the people around you and so on…

Overcoming self-conscious can be hard but knowing what has to be done can make it easier for you to build confidence.

Feel good about yourself

If you lack self-confidence, you might also have low self-esteem. And the root of these two is your outlook on yourself. Surely, if you see yourself as ugly, incapable, and different from others, your self-confidence and self-esteem are low.

What you should do is to disregard all your negative perception about yourself and try to focus on the good things in you. Avoid thinking that you are not good enough. Instead, think that you can do things better than others. Smile in front of the mirror every morning and praise the good things in you. If you cannot find one, then you must find one.

Be wary about criticism.

Most people who lack self-confidence tend to believe every negative comment others say about them. And they would not even bother to differentiate which are constructive and which are destructive. So make sure that the moment somebody gives you criticism, never just accept every word they say.

For example, if somebody tells you that you are not good enough and you keep messing around, try not to accept it as a general truth about yourself. Think why someone has to say that. Okay, something must be wrong about you but do not stop there. Make some changes if you must but most of all never get affected with words from other people.

Mehar Bhagat

Entrepreneur, PR, HR & Corp. Training Professional, Business Consultant.

Email: meharbhagat.linkedin@gmail.com | Skype ID: meharbahgat

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Posted under Articles from Jobnet Magazine

Marketing management lessons in a jiffy

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”

That’s Direct Marketing.

—————————-

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.”

That’s Advertising.

…………………………

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say “Hi,I’m very rich.Marry me.”

That’s Telemarketing.

…………………………….

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m very rich. Will you marry me?”

That’s Public Relations.

………………………………..

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

She walks up to you and says, “You are very rich..”

That’s Brand Recognition.

………………………………………

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That’s Customer Feedback !!

…………………………………….

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”

And she introduces you to her husband

That’s Demand and supply gap.

…………………………………………..

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”

she turns her face towards you —————— She is your wife !

That’s competition eating into your market share.

…………………………………………………………………….

Contributed by Madhumita Sen

Posted under Articles from Jobnet Magazine, Management Resources/ HR