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An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, “Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?”

“Well,” the second engineering student says, “A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says ‘take what you want’.”

The other engineering student nods and says “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

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How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That’s a second year subject.

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How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

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How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?

“Will this question be in the final examination?”

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How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.

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How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

“Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway.”

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Contributed by Vijay Mathur

Posted under Humor

QUOTE — MISQUOTE

English as she is spoken across the world

At a Cocktail lounge in Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

At a Doctors office in Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

At a hotel in Acapulco:

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

At a Dry cleaner’s in Bangkok:

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

Sign in men’s rest room in Japan:

TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:

NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In One of the Mathare buildings

MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

In a cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:

PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy:

THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

In a Hotel lobby in Bucharest:

THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

In a Hotel elevator in Paris:

PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:

FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE,MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

At a Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:

TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Notice in Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR,YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

Courtesy Jobnet magazine issue 102

Posted under Humor

Jokes for the Day- “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.” “Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

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A young man was applying for a job in a big company.

“I’m sorry,” said the personnel manager, “but the firm is overstaffed; we have more employees now than we really need.”

“That’s all right,” replied the young man, undiscouraged, “the little bit of work I do wouldn’t be noticed.”

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A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted”.

Next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

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First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”

Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

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Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

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Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

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Banta Singh started working weekends and late into the nights on a secret project. Finally, after months of work, he went to his friend Santa’s house to show him the fruits of his labor. “Check this out,” he said.

“I made it!” And he proudly handed his buddy a seventeen rupee note.

“It’s a beautiful counterfeit,” said Santa admiringly, “but you’re never going to get anywhere with a seventeen rupee note.”

“Oh, yeah?” Banta was furious. “Just wait!”

And he ran to the grocery store on the corner. A few minutes later he came back, beaming from ear to ear.

“Well?” asked Santa.

“Told you he’d give me change,” declared Banta proudly. “And look! Two seven rupee notes and a three.”

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A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.”

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch the wall!”

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Arvind had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Arvind went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Arvind slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

”Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”

”That’s all fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

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The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

”What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”

”I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”

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Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.

”You, your companies, and your countries are enemies of the Revolution,” screamed the terrorist leader, “and you’re going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?”

The Englishman spoke first.

”Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing “God Save The Queen” to all you men.”

”That can be arranged,” said the terrorist.

The Frenchman said, “And I want to honor my country before I die by singing “The Marseilles” to your men.”

The Japanese said, “Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management.”

The terrorist turned finally to the American.

”What is your last request?”

The American replied, “I want you to kill me right now so I don’t have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!”

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Courtesy Jobnet magazine issue 101

Posted under Humor

Jokes for the Day- There are those who know, and those who don’t know.

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don’t know. Those who know are no problem.Those who don’t know are also in two groups.

One is those who don’t know and know they don’t know. Well, they can learn!

But then, there are those who don’t know, and don’t know they don’t know. And they become unit managers!

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Employer: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”

Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

”I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

”The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

”And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.

”Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

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A husband and wife decided they needed to use a code word to indicatethat they wanted to have sex, without letting their children in on theidea, so they decided on the word “typewriter.”

One day, the husband told his five year old daughter, “Dear, go tell your mommy that Daddy needs to type a letter.”

The child went into the next room and told her mom what Daddy had said, and her mother responded, “Honey, tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there’s a red ribbon in the typewriter.”

The child went back to tell her dad what her mom had said. A few days later, the mother told her daughter, “Honey, go tell Daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child went into the next room and gave her dad the message. A few moments later, she returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

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A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog. After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner. The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.

By now, the man is getting depressed— and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.

She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there’s ANYTHING she could do for him.

The man thinks for a moment and then responds, “Could you take the dog for a walk?”

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer stomach and still think they are beautiful.

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I bought my wife a new car. She called up one day and said, “There’s water in the carburetor.”

I said, “Where’s the car?”

She said, “In the river.”

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A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?”

Her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet-dreams. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he’s finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: “So what did you want to know about sex for?”

“Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs.”

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Courtesy Jobnet magazine issue 101

Posted under Humor

Jokes for The Day – “Yesterday you were a recruit”…

Q: Heard about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.”

“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

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A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, “We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work.”

An Englishman said, “We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks.”

The Irishman says, “That’s nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man’s body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks.”

The American says, “Well hell, that’s nothin’. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the White House and now half the country is lookin’ for work!”

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A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, “I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?”

Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains, “Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn’t believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient.”

“Oh,” says the little girl, “I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.”

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Lem: ‘’I got fired from my job as a bank guard.’’

Clem: ‘’That’s awful. What happened?’’

Lem: ‘’Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I’d let him have it.’’

Clem: ‘’What did thief do then?’’

Lem: ‘’He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn’t want that stupid gun anyhow!’’

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A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, “You’ve shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell.”

“I don’t know!” she flounders.

“Tell you what,” St. Peter says, “You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity.”

“Okay then,” she says. “I’ll start with heaven since I’m here already.”

She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.

The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.

Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.

After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.

After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.

At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.

The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.

“Well, have you made your decision?” He asks.

“I’ve decided on hell,” she announces.

“So be it.” St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.

Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.

“What happened!?!” She exclaimed.

“Well,” said her boss, “Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff.”

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One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won’t be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ‘’Are you really going to let him get away with this?’’

‘’No, I guess not,’’ says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn’t bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, ‘’ Why did you let him do that?’’

To this God says, ‘’Who’s he going to tell?’’

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Courtesy Jobnet magazine issue 97

Posted under Humor

Jokes for the Day- “ Shaadi ke baad”

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. “Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”

“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… You must be a bunny rabbit!”

Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?”

And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer.”

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Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two 2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?”

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” so they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative position and hired three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin.Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back overall costs.”

So they laid off the night watchman.

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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!” The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president,”$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I’d have the president of the Bank of Canada’s balls in my hand.”

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he’s doing.

“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer.”

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Shaadi ke pehle – Maine Pyar Kiya

Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?

Shaadi ke pehle – Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Hai

Shaadi ke pehle – Dil To Pagal Hai

Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha

Shaadi ke pehle – Ek Duje Ke Liye

Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye

Shaadi ke pehle – Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge

Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge

Shaadi ke pehle – Chandramukhi

Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi

Shaadi ke pehle – Kuwara Baap

Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap

Shaadi ke pehle – Titanic

Shaadi ke baad - Kaagaz ki kashti

Shaadi ke pehle – Aao Pyar Karen

Shaadi ke baad – Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?

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Courtesy Jobnet magazine issue 83

Posted under Humor