We may leave our work at the office but we carry our work life in our heads. It may be possible that we are able to find rest and relaxation at home, but when the stresses of work become severe and prolonged, it may not be so easy to switch off the crankiness and frustration.
Most married couples admit that financial worries, in-laws, health and children are common reasons for stress, but work stress tend to be the most difficult to handle. This is because there is no common ground for a shared perspective. The spouse is going through stress in the office and we have only a second hand view of the problem and a first hand feel of the negative emotions.
Work problems may pass with time, but when your spouse is suffering from prolonged stress symptoms it can lead to health problems, depression or burnout.
Here are a few steps that can help both of you to share your burdens and be supportive.
Be a good listener.
Any professional counselor will tell you that, good listening is most important for problem solving and stress release and the first step towards a healing process. How you listen is crucial. Listen with your heart, with empathy. Avoid giving your evaluations, insights, suggestions, knowledge or opinions. Good listening can help not only by airing the problem with its accompanying emotions but can also give a different perspective to the perception of the problem.
Good listening is not only about the words spoken but also about listening to the body language .And listening to the silences. Many people do not want to talk all the time, sometimes they want the peace of not thinking or talking about their problems. Listen to their needs.
Be sensitive to emotional needs.
A person struggling with negativity at the work place may find comfort in sexual intimacy, or may simply demand more tenderness and physical contact.
On the other hand one may switch off totally or may withdraw from any form of tenderness. This becomes difficult to handle by a spouse who views it as rejection. Some people create spaces in their troubled minds by reducing contact with any more stimuli from their environment. In extreme cases it can become a mental illness but in small degrees it helps most of us as a coping mechanism.
During stressful times people tend to acquire behaviors that give temporary relief. They may turn to excessive drinking of alcohol, partying, smoking or whatever that they think helps in giving them a temporary switch off. Usually most of us get back to normal behavior once we begin to solve and handle our problems.
Be less demanding
We are stressed when our spouse gets stressed. No need to compound the stress by having fights and tantrums with each other. This is the time to guard against negative emotions. Be patient. If you can’t take it anymore at least do not add to it.
People who are stressed usually get burdened by problems that could be handled easily once. A break from dropping the kids to school, taking over the cooking, or doing the laundry can sometimes convey a caring spirit more than a bouquet of flowers. A good meal or watching a good film together can help too. The idea is not to take over as we would from a person who is sick, but to give a few breaks from drudgery and routines.
This certainly does not mean that a spouse stressed at work should be excused from all other stresses at home. You may have problems that need sharing too. The idea is about creating a comfortable and relaxed environment at home where issues can be handled in an effective way.
Being less demanding also does not imply a switch off. It simply means that you make adjustments in your demands and expectations till the time stress levels have reduced.
On a personal note I may add, that over the years I have had what I believe is a tremendous amount of work stress which I have faithfully strewed out on my spouse. What has worked for me is the fact that my husband has strictly enforced a rule – Bad fights are admissible but good memories about bad fights are simply not allowed. Nothing is more destructive in any relationship, especially marriage, than festering grudges.
All life stresses, work related or otherwise, change us in some way.
We live through the stresses, pains and tribulations of our spouse and we cannot remain untouched or unscathed. They change our perceptions about ourselves and our world.
The process may sometimes be painful. But if we have to watch our image of the macho male we married dissolve by his tears, or his image of the sweet, delicate girl drown in a barrage of violent verbal abuse, then good for us. We will learn to celebrate unconditional love and trust in our spouses.’
Because we are not defined by our problems or the emotional reactions to our problems, but by our victories over them.
Posted under Articles by Lima Sehgal
This post was written by admin on May 20, 2010
