How Unemployment Affects Your Sex Life
Jobnet Magazine
Four months after Arvind, an engineer, lost his job he became moody and argumentative. He and his wife quarreled frequently. Because they had always enjoyed an active sex life, they sometimes patched things up in bed following a quarrel.
After eight months without a job, however, the marital bed was no longer a pleasurable meeting place for the couple. He didn’t want sex. He felt glum, dispirited, worthless. Without actually saying so, he felt he could no longer perform effectively, either in or out of bed. The problem of being unemployed had impaired his virility.
Arvind’s story is far from unusual. Serious problems-losing one’s job, illness, death in the family, severe financial setbacks – can create anxiety, insecurity, agitation, and depression. These feelings have a powerful impact on one’s sex life. The reason: Sex itself is so emotional.
Mental health experts say it’s almost impossible to predict just how a crisis will affect one’s sexual pattern. When something unhappy takes place, the person involved may withdraw sexually. Or, for short periods, that person may actually become much more sexually active. It all depends on the person, the situation, and the marital relationship.
The job-loss experience is common to many people. It’s tremendously unsettling, especially to a man. His main or only source of income is gone. But that’s only part of the reason he’s likely to react with negative emotion.
The famous explorer of the mind, Sigmund Freud, said that work is central to one’s existence. A presentday expert states that in our society working or earning a living is one way a man has of showing that he’s manly. Ancient man could bring in a freshly killed carcass. But today a man can bring home a good pay check as a positive symbol of his strength.
Thus, when a man can no longer do this, he’s likely to be hit hard emotionally. He’s likely to begin doubting himself and his masculinity. And it’s such doubts that can change his sex life, temporarily or otherwise.
Two Opposite Reactions
Consider two other men who, like Arvind, lost good jobs. One, Amit, reacted by feeling very sorry for himself. He was depressed, lost – he reacted like a little boy. What he wanted from his wife was comfort. Vigorous sexual intercourse was the last thing on his mind. In bed he merely wanted to feel his wife’s warm body close to his in a kind of sexual “cuddling.” The desire to be held, comforted, and cuddled is common among people who are depressed.
But Shankar, the other victim, reacted differently. He began to drink heavily and proposition girls at parties and other social gatherings. His need was clear: To prove himself sexually with women, since he could no longer prove his manliness as a breadwinner. With his marriage going to pieces, he finally sought professional help. “He was constantly walking around with an erection as a way of reassuring himself,” comments the social worker who counseled him.
Shankar reversed himself after some time. He went from extreme sexual activity to a complete loss of interest in sex. What had happened was that losing his job made him feel terribly depressed. For a time, by drinking and frantically picking up women, he could hide that depression. He could pretend that it didn’t exist. But inevitably, it came to the surface.
Unhappy life experiences are not the only kind that bring on stress and depression. Dr. P.H. Blachly of the University of Oregon Medical School notes that success, too, can make one feel blue. The reason? Success brings changes in one’s accustomed way of living, and these changes can seem very threatening.
Good Marriage Helps
If there are secure bonds of love between the two spouses, nothing serious is apt to happen to their sex life. But if the couple’s relationship is generally unstable – for example, strong resentments beneath the surface – the outcome will be different. In that case, sexual relations between the two partners will suffer.
Consider Sridhar, whose business reverses left him in a financial crisis, which hit him hard. He viewed himself as a failure, a man not capable of measuring up. He showed it at work, where he became hesitant in making decisions. And he showed it at home, in the bedroom.
Fortunately for Sridhar, his marriage was a happy one. His wife understood what he was going through and sympathized. His sexual failures weren’t as shattering as they might have been; they could talk about the problem openly, and she was understanding. In time he bounced back and things returned to normal. In fact, having lived through this period of stress, Sridhar and his wife became closer.
When long-standing conflict exist in a marriage, such stories often do not end happily. If Sridhar’s marriage had been shaky, his poor sexual performance could have prompted his wife to retaliate. Reacting to previous injustices he may have inflicted on her, she could have condemned or made fun of him. And this would have set up a vicious cycle: The more the husband’s sexual abilities are impaired, the more his wife scorns him; the more she scorns him, the less able he is to function sexually. Marriage counselors often see couples caught in that unhappy trap.
Most couples have little to worry about. Preoccupation and depression are natural reactions to stress, which most likely will affect one’s sex life. In time, as the crisis passes or adjustments are made, all such reactions are apt to wane. They will vanish more quickly if the two partners are mutually understanding; they will become more serious if one or both parties cast blame or ridicule.
If stress creates really troublesome changes in a couple’s sex life, what then? The experts advise further action. After three months or so, the couple should see a reputable counselor or psychotherapist.
Posted under Research by Jobnet
This post was written by admin on January 24, 2009
